OOOK..... so it begins

Hello... I wanted to welcome you to theNEW Dyan page!!!! I am about to spill my life story on here, so if you're not interested in reading a rather lengthy blog - THEN STOP NOW.... there are a lot of issues I have had time to think through, and so I will be getting it all out here!

Ok... so lets just start ~

I am a bottler. Anytime anything has bothered me, upset me, or pissed me off - I have held it inside (except for with Zach) or just have not dealt with it. I think this has had a tramatic effect on my life, cause after like 3 or 4 things have upset me and such- I am ready to explode.... example: I have an argument with Zach and not only is Zach getting an earful all my frustrations about why we're fighting and such... he is hearing my frustrations from the other 3 things I am pissed off about that I have failed to deal with... so it's like I am having a freaking cow of something that is really a minor argument. I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF... I always have, and it wasnt until I began my "meltdown" that I have realized these things...

So, meltdown: it began when I started Pharmacy school in 2006. I knew Grad school was going to be tough, but HOLY SHIT!!!! It is unlike anything I have ever encountered (I graduated with . It was difficult, and tested the very limits to my sanity... and this is just prepping for exams... so, I am not a parent and am truly thankful for all the wonderful things/times I have been blessed to have - but I define this as the hardest thing I have ever had to do! I'd sleep like 4 hours in 3 days, to go and regurgitate info on a test, that has trick questions.... all the while possibly destroying MANY brain cells and other vital cells with my impossible OVERLOAD of caffeine, just so I could make it 2 hours thru my exam, and make t home safely before I crashed, just to do it all the very next day. I am a perfectionist - I like to do well.... I am an over-acheiver.... and this can get me into trouble. I am not happy with just passing, I want to get good grades, a B average is all I would accept, and thats it. I would say that is damn difficult to get those kinds of grades in f-ing grad school (some of my classmates dropped out or have failed their first 2 years)..... Yeah- are you picturing it now? THANK GOD that part is over... because it wasnt just school that helped me to be insane these past 2 years.

They say bad things happen in 3's, and that couldn't be truer for my family these past 2 years..... During school, my first year of grad school - I was plugging along, trying to get the hang of things when I get a phone call from me Mom: Dyan, I have Rhumatoid Arthritis.... now, we sorta expected this, a- because this shit is in my famoly and b- we have seen how my Mom was getting... but this is my MOM!!!! I mean, holy shit... and, I had learned about the disease, and knew that eventually you get disabled... you;re hands dont work, your feet dont work.... it just sucks.... and this was going ot be my Mother's fate. I love my Mom, more than anything.... and it just sucks to have to see my Mom go thru this..... well- a few months go by and we're dealing with my Mom's stuff.... when I get a call after school - "Dyan, please call me". Well, that is never good when it's my Mom leaving that message. I call my Mom back and am devastated to hear 2 pieces of bad news that happened on the same F-ING day: 1) My Dad's youngest brother (like in his 50's) died from a heart attack extremely unexpectedly..... well, my Dad is 1 of 7 in a tight-nit Polish family.... and my Gradpa is still alive... we all new this would devastate my Dad's family; not to mention what my poor Grandpa would be going thru.... he is 86 and you should never, NEVER bury your children, they should bury you!!!! This was on Friday. 2) Then, also on Friday - My Mother's Sister's (my favorite Aunt Sherry); well her daughter-in-law (Ang) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Well, if we only thought that was horrible enough (we've been blessed no cancer in my family up to this point)..... Ang was 36 at the time..... diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.... and 8.5 month pregnant!!!!!! This was her miracle baby too, she had a miscarriage prior to conceiving this baby.... and so, this was a special baby to them. So, what the hell are we gonna do? Well, Stage 2 is a stage where cancer can become sorta out of control, and well... in prgnancy every tissue grows, and thats what cancer is (uncontroilled cell growth)... so, to keep it in check, and not progress.... they decided to give her chemo while pregnant (at a low dose) - this was the most viable opion and posed low likely hood of a serious complication to the baby. Shortly there after, baby Luke was born, and couldnt be healthier, happier and fatter!!!! So.... we thought, ok... my family can begin to heal and Ang was looking to recover quite nicely.... ALL OF THESE things combined caused me to have a mini-meltdown; to which I saw a counselor about - because I was too emotional to handle any of this. This I believe I have talked about.... so, all th advice I was given was try and find a positive aout of a negative.., and focus on that positive.... well, I didnt take that advice too seriously, I just wanted someone or something to cure my problems... I was in no mood or condition to fix or change or deal with them at that time. zach and I thought, ok... things HAVE to get better from here....

Fast forward to the start of year 2 and still... shit comes in 3's : studies getting even harder, and freaking out more than ever about school.... 1) my sister gets diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Now..... this wasn't as devastating as it is now.... they say Fibromyalgis is an unexplainable pain condition that can be hidden and come out from the surfaces during periods of stress and such- well, we always knew my sister was in pain because she had a near fatal car accident when she was 19.... and she did some real damage to her body.... so, I will be discussing my sister at another time..... but just know that this sucked to hear about this pain condition with my sister- so now I had my Mom and my sister to deal with, these debilitating diseases (debilitating for them - I know the flack about Fibromyalgia being a made up disease.. I do not care to discuss this now, I will later... but for me- it is not a made up disease). 2) My Dad's oldest brother gets diagnosed with lung cancer.... so, ok.... now 2 people with cancer (went from 0 for like 25 years, to 2 cases in one year).... so.... this was horrible, because we know how difficult lung cancer is to treat. I wont go into everything, but of course... this was still hard for my family, and difficult for my poor Grandpa as well (to a good note, he seems to be doing fine... surgery and chemo and radiation ahs worked for him) 3) Ang's sister-in-law (Sherry's other daughter-in-law.. remember, Sherry is my favorite and closest Aunt) gets diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Here we go again, another debilitating disease, that only gets worse as time progresses.... and she is in her 30's as well.

So, to recap that is 6 medical conditions happening to my family in a period of like 16 months... you think I'm kidding? I only wish I wasnt joking..... So.. imagine having all of this on my plate to handle (MIND YOU, BARELY OPENNING UP AND GETTING IT OUT... but if I was asked about it at all... I would get very emotional). Now, my coping mechanism... to make jokes, and act bubbly.... like I always have -MY DEFENSE MECHANISM. Tthis was NO way of dealing wiht anything, and I realizde that now.... and tthis is what began my breakdown to lead to this point....

So, what point am I at? Well, after 26 years of life.... I have finally ccame to a place that I actually see I dont have an identity. I dont know who I am, and truly what I want out of life... if I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with my life? That I made it the best possible day? Happy wiht my life and all the choices I made? I ACTUALLY SAID OUT LOUD - HELL NO. This is no way to live life, and so I have tried to think of how I am going to find myself... losing weight? Going to rotations? NO, then it hit me after having a discussion about being honest (with the help of some nameless friend who I thank more than she'll know in the weirdest way EVER) after having an "AH HA" moment.... I need to just be TRULY honest.... and I need to focus on me... I need to adjust me.... and then I will be happy with me.... then I can go and work on other things in my life that matter most.... my marriage, my family, my friend's....

So, the next several blogs will be me gushing all I have onto here..... my therapy, my journey to find myself... and frankly, I dont know what I will write out, it could very well be very scattered, and thats fine.... I just need to concentrate on getting it out and making myself happy and finding solutions/strengths/ways to improve. Next up.... my marriage.....