Parents (sorta all over the place) - part 5 or something

Family..... I love them..... they are wonderful, quircky in their own ways.... but nevertheless, have helped me alot in many dirrerent ways since flying the nest 5 years ago... and we've come togethr in this great little unit since all this medical trauma has hit my family these past 2 years

Mom: My Mom and I have come A HELL OF A LONG WAY.... when I was a little girl, she was my Mom, who was always chasing me down, and stopped me from chewing on my hair and eating dirt (dont f-ing even ask... I dunno what was my deal when I was a child) ~ my Mom was also the disciplinarian..... and WOW, this was a challenge. When I was 12, I thought I knew more than my Mom... I wanted to do what my friends told me to do and I was gonna do it regardless of what my Mother had to say.... she'd push, I'd push right back... but she never gave up on me.... she knew I was a good kid, a little out of control based on the fact that I was SUCH a follower, but knew I had to eventually grow out of that ~ but she kept pushing... so hard, that she moved me from my bad friends and enrolled me at PMS. Now, not that things got easier at PMS, I had different friends, some who were just as bad, and some were not.... and when the bad friends began to push/lead this little follower around; she would just keep on pushing.... That is a lot for a Mom to do, but she just would never give up on me (~tear~) - When High school started, is when my Mom and I began to take a turn..... we went from screaming matches down the hall to actually, sitting and having conversations about why I was crying over Guy #1... it was nice to do this with my Momma now, because my Mom was raised in that era/environment where she knew she was loved by her family, but her parents never really said it.... I realize that my Mom is exactly the same way.... I know she loved me or she wouldnt have done all the fighting/poushing that she did if she didnt... she couldve let me just become a drug addict at 12 years old; or never graduated high school... but she didnt. She pushed me to be better, cause she knew I was better than that (~tear~). I think this turn began when I started realizing that I was something.... I got involved in school things and became a happier person; and our emotional re-attachment happened when a friend of mine died my junior year of high school.... that is something very difficult for a 17 year old immature girl to handle. She knew I was upset, and just wanted me to talk about it, and why I was so upset.... so eventually my Mom and I reached that "YES" stage. Not that things are ever easy between a mother and daughter.... but we became close. I got engaged to the most wonderful man ever and it was my Mother who was supportive of me and there for me 100%... and trooped through it all with me; especially when I planned my wedding in 60 days... (BTW not something I will allow my daughter to do to me). Then I moved, and we became even closer.... I call my Mom more than I call my friends, I tell my Mom things that I dont tell my friends.... My mother knows, truly knows, how badly I want a baby... I never thought I would get to this point with my Mom; but I have and it's beyond great. I think that's why I am having such a hard time with her having RA. We've come to this close place, and I see how miserable this debilitating disease is on her. But, the roles have been switched, and it's interesting to get to that point with your parents. I now push my Mother to exercise everyday, as it will keep her joints mobile and to keep her weight down for her joints sakes (just as she was to oush me to get my homework done for Chemistry class).... and I was there when my poor Mother had to get her toe removed (just like she was there when I lost my first tooth) (~tears, tears)). Anyways..... so, thats it ~ My mother, my best friend, my confidant (besides Zach).... the women who I hope and pray for everyday that will keep up her mobility as long as posssible before she loses her mobility..... I jsut wish one thing for my Mom: I wish my Mom lived for her, and not for her kids/husband..... my Mom has hardly ever done things for herself (as I think maybe all Mother's do) but after 26 years of doing that you lose yourself.... I mean, I am having to do a major overhaul; imagine what shed have to do after 55 years!!! I want my Mom to find out who she is, cause I know who she is... I wonder if she does?

My Dad: well, this is probably the hardest post I will write for quite sometime. My Dad and I have a very complex relationship. He is stubborn, as am I. He is always right and even if he's wrong... he is right! He's very opinionated, and his opinion is the right one.... he grew up in a tough place... he had 6 siblings; and he was the second oldest.... and he was expected to do great things for his family... my Dad loves to criticize people, and refuses to have someone criticize him (something we have had in common until recently) ~ things have always been distant between us. I havent always agreed with the way he's treated my Mom; I thought he could have paid more attention to her or been more thoughtful..... and when I voiced my opinion, I was being disrespectful to him (which, hence why it is so difficult for me to be honest). What I love about my dad is he tells me when he is proud of me.... my Mom does too, but it means a different thing when it comes from my Dad.... and that is such a meaningful thing to have in my life from my Dad, because I feel like I have always had to try and prove something to him (~tears, and more tears)... to prove to him I was smart, lik I was something.... when this whole time (like my Mom... he knew it too).... he was so proud I got this wad at school this year, that he told me Grandpa bout it..... My dad is supportive and respectful of my marriage, is is beyond a wonderful thing. He actually talks to zach, he has an interest in our life together... he even makes it down for Zach's FB games; which almost means more to me than it does for Zach (almost).... I feel like I dont have to prove to him that I am smart, or capable of succeeding.... and that feels great now that I am 26 years old.... I feel like I dont have to compete for my Dad's approval. So, we've come to this place where I feel he respects aspects of my life.... but I would like to respect him more than I do.... and that is hard for me to say that; because I want my dad to do several things: I want my Dad to stop smoking; especially because when he is talking to my uncle with lung cancer, he smokes while on the phone with him..... I want my Dad to take his grandkids to Disneyland like he did with us a million times... and now with this huge medical scare with our family; I wish my dad would see this as a time for change. He refuses to change, and doesnt see a need for change... I am afraid that something bad will happen (ie cancer) and then, he will try and change and it might be too late. I want me dad to be more open to new things in life.... he is stuck in the environment that he grew up in... they got an invitation to a dinner party by new neighbors; Fred and Terry... My dad likes Fred, and thinks Fred is a swell guy and good neighbor- well, my Mom told him he might want to prepare himself cause she thinks Fred and Terry are a gay couple..... and my Dad is convinced that Terry is a woman..... cause he knows Fred and there is no way he is gay..... well, sure enough Fred introduces a man as his partner Terry.... well, needless to say - my dad doesnt really feel comfortable talking to Fred anymore. It iss not easy discussing how my dad is a bigit with somethhings..... lord knows everyone is a bigit at soemthing... but I am making strives to change some of that about me,.... I wish he would too.... what if his grandson ends up being gay???? I mean, that almssot breaks my heart to hear about it. I just would like my Dad to be less opinionated and more open to toer's ideas/beliefs... including those beliefs of his own children.....

Anyways.... not really sure what this was supposed to do.... but it did let out some frustrations... and it reiterated to me how much I love my parents and appreciate them for who they are and definately for who they can be or who I see them to be.... I think I needed to just say how much I love the relationship I have developed with my parents, and am so looking forward to what relationship I will have with them in the very near future... we have been through alot in the past 2 years, and emotionally my family is hanging onto whatever emotions we have to be strong for my family.... we are about to enter the most emotionally difficult time in our lives so far; and so I just needed to tell them those things (subconsciously) both good and bad, so that we are being honest.

WEEFEW... ok, time to go read and go to bed.